That is the way I fight

That is the way I fight

My watch reminds me to breathe, drink water, tracks my steps, and my fitness ranking. I can choose to compete with family, friends, my own personal best but one thing it can’t do, is measure the impact to my spirit when I’m shadow boxing. It doesn’t register the volume of my internal cries when I lose a friend or the intensity of my prayers for God to heal my body. I’d been shadow boxing for many months when I found myself filled with such anger that I could punch a hole in the universe. 

I knew I had to release and let go of this festering anger, I couldn’t let it be. So, I found myself at a therapist’s office. She sat and listened as I said, well, a lot of colorful words. I felt stupid after I left the 3rd time, wondering why I should waste good money, when shouting in the privacy of my car was free. I was resentful that a level of perfection beyond human faculty, had been placed on me. I wanted to be delightfully imperfect, a flawed expression of God’s grace.

That is the way I run, with a clear goal in mind. That is the way I fight, not like someone shadow boxing.              1 Corinthians 9:26  ISV

This summer, I went on the trip of a lifetime to resurrect me. Kristianne who’d hang her hair, part canine, from the car window or paint her toenails each, a different color. A woman who never backed down from a fight and gladly came out swinging for others. A friend who snort laughed so hard that coffee spouted whale-like from her lips. Wife to a husband who was the love of her life. Mom to two daughters whose lives validated her finest contributions to this world and whose innate gifts far eclipsed her own. Oh sure, her Gold Starbucks card might have more rewards than her eternal ones, but the joy of being simply her – being human – being me. Because somewhere, in answering God’s call to bring hope to women battling cancer, this Kristianne disappeared. What remained was an exhausted and utterly depleted woman. Obedience sucked. I would have had a bumper sticker made but surely, there would be objection to that.

Back to the trip of a lifetime, where I spent the most time with my family in 6 years. I found adventure in each day on stone streets and had conversations in Italian learned from a variety of media. Listening for mentions of food and greetings like signposts along the path of grand adventures. I read faces rather than my phone. Whenever I found a beautiful soul, I would give them a personal gift that I’d brought with me. Maybe a shirt or item of clothing, given with a smile on my face and specific instructions to wear it and feel glorious in it. Between the Amalfi Coast with my hand immersed in the Blue Grotto to Santorini, Greece barefoot and planking after a yoga class, is where I resurrected me. On a volcanic caldera, built from flames and fiery ash that disappeared centuries ago, is where I hung up my boxing gloves.

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  • Beautiful. You have a true gift of delivering the written word. I’m happy to know my snort laughing coffee spouting friend has come back home.

    hollyberry sunshine
  • Love yourself, your family & God more than you thought possible
    and realize those are the things your worn out boxing gloves won you ❤😘

    Crystal P
  • So beautiful and raw. I am so glad you resurrected your “you.” Love you!

    Karen Bedford
  • So beautiful and raw. I am so glad you resurrected the real “you.” Love you!

    Karen Bedford
  • For some reason I do not get notifications in my email that you have put out a new post so I always end up just coming to this webpage and reading them really late.
    Oh, dear sweet friend, I have felt deep in my spirit in the past that you were struggling in this way. You continued to love and pour into people in a beautiful way but I just knew. From the time I first got to know you the Lord wanted me to be a prayer warrior for you. I am so thankful to read the journey He took you on of healing in your soul on your trip. Praising the Lord for a fresh, new outlook and a healing that took place deep inside your heart. So thankful our God can reach those places inside us and put broken pieces back together. I love you, my friend.

    Emily Jordan

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